“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 NIV
Earlier this week we were sitting at the dinner table and my 5 year old daughter told my 8 year old son, “We should really work harder to get along.” My mama heart filled with joy. I must be doing something right. She continued on, “Maybe if we are really good then God will give us a little brother.”
Just like that my joy filled heart breaks. There is so much to unpack in this snippet of conversation. My first thought is wow she really wants a younger sibling badly if she’s asking for a brother. They have both wanted a baby for so long. My son’s second grade teacher had a baby and he’s been obsessed with having a baby brother ever since. My daughter has always wanted a baby sister so for nearly two years they have begged me to have twins like it’s something I can control.
What they didn’t know as they sat there and discussed the baby they want, is that they have a little brother or sister. One that would have been born any day now. One that went to heaven before it ever got a chance to develop but not before their daddy and I knew it was there. Not before we could fall in love with the idea of a family of 5. Not before I envisioned them as sweet and helpful older siblings. Not before I thought about the sweetness of having a baby as an experienced mom. Not before hoping that I would cherish every long night and baby snuggle knowing that one day that baby would grow up and we would actually survive those first few years.
Even though my two are three years (and 6 days) apart, I wasn’t far enough through the baby and toddler years to know what life was like on the other side. Everything still felt so hard and permanent. Everyone still needed everything done for them. But now I’m a seasoned mom. I know you survive those first 5 years. And I think I’d be a better infant mom knowing it. I was really looking forward to that. To a second chance to appreciate it for the fleeting experience that it is. But God had other plans.
I don’t understand them. I still struggle with why He would surprise us with a 3rd child just to take it away. Why He would give me the deepest desire of my heart that I was too scared to even try for (my trying to conceive trauma with the first two could be a whole series of blog posts) and then take it back. But that is what faith is. We don’t get to know. We just have to trust. He gives us things to hold onto. For me it was my miscarriage date which fell 6 days before son’s birthday which is 6 days before my daughter’s birthday. Finding meaning in dates is something I have always done so I find comfort in God’s perfect timing.
I know that my miscarriage was not an accident. It is something that God will use for good. He is always using our experiences, even the worst of them, to shape us for something even greater. I’ve seen it time and time again in my life. I hope that someday I get the clarity of why but I’ll be ok if I don’t.
What I do know is that the shared experiences of my friends on social media helped me through one of the darkest times of my life. I felt so lost in my grief. It was something my husband couldn’t really understand. It was something my mom and sister had never experienced. It was something I felt so alone in. I felt like it shouldn’t have been so hard. Like I should have gotten over it faster or been less affected by it. What helped me most was knowing that other women, women I knew, had been there too. That it was hard for them too. I’ve known since it happened that I would one day share my experience as well so that someone might find comfort in my story. Tomorrow is the date that would have been my due date. In honor of the child we lost, today I share part of my story. Whatever you are going through, no matter how dark and hard, know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose, Romans 8:28.