I am WEARY

I live in a Memphis suburb and work in Memphis. It has been a rough week for Memphians and Americans in general. Senseless violence plagues us. But it has hit close to home this time. Really close to home. First Eliza Fletcher who my sister know first hand. They are neighbors, their children classmates, and one of the boys her student. Boys whose mother will never come home.

Then a shooting spree around the city that put me and my family on lockdown at Autozone Park bringing me even closer to the reality of violence in our lives. You see it, you hear about it, but you tell yourself you are distant from it. It won’t happen to you. But it is getting ever closer to everyone. The degrees of separation from someone who has been hurt or suffered loss from senseless violence are getting fewer. The bubble of protection and safety is getting smaller.

The anxiety this week has created won’t leave me. It lurks in my mind and in the pit of my stomach. All I can do is pray. I should be working right now. I have a LOT of invoicing to catch up on. A whole company full of people looking to me for leadership and I can’t fight the nagging in my heart. Almost two years ago I felt inspired to create a blog. I think about the blog I created every once in a while but I never take the time to put my thoughts onto the pages and share them with the world. Sometimes it feels too difficult to make the time. Others it feels like my story is too personal to share. But shared stories are what get us through hard times. So here I am, writing on this blog for the first time in nearly two years. God has placed it on my heart to share what I came home and put in my journal last night. I hope it brings you comfort and that sharing it gives me the peace I need to get focused back on my day, letting the anxieties of this week go. I hope you enjoy and I hope this inspires me to write again soon.

• – Kelsey

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing. – Jeremiah 31:25

I am WEARY. This life makes me weary. If my own life didn’t already make me weary enough, this world would make sure to give me sorrow. Tonight we took our kids out to dinner. A fun dinner at Huey’s in downtown Memphis. As we were walking from the parking lot to the restaurant, Autozone Park came into view. I suggested to Ross that we take the kids after we eat and he agreed. Darby was soooo excited. I’ve never seen him so happy or grateful. After dinner we needed to take a few things back to the car. Ross asked me to check the radar because his phone was on 2% then he ran up to the car with the stuff, leaving us on the street to wait for him. I pulled out my phone and immediately saw an alert that a shooter was at large. I scanned the street and then pulled the kids safely into the parking garage following where Ross had just gone. He used the stairs to come back down to the street so we missed him. He calls me and we meet up inside the garage. I show him my phone. We decide that we are not going to let this change our plans and we walk briskly to the safety of the park. I am scanning the streets and pulling Caroline at a clip faster than she normally walks. She trips and skins her knee. I start to panic because we aren’t moving. Ross scoops her up and we make it into the stadium. We buy tickets and go into the stadium. Ross and Darby go to the bullpen to try to get a ball. Caroline and I go to first aid for band-aides. We watch the first inning from the outfield grass. Everyone is having fun. Then Ross goes up to the restroom. About that time I see the bullpen running from the back of the field to the dugout. I can’t compute what is going on. Ross yells from top. I grab the kids and run. The stadium is on lock down. The game is paused. Where do we go? How do I keep my family safe? Why didn’t we go home? Lord help us!

They are moving everyone to the club level and we decide it is safest to follow. The police are locking the gates. The only conclusions we can draw is that the shooter is downtown. It has been at least a half hour since I saw the first alert. Plenty of time for him to make it to where we are. The kids have picked up on what is going on. They are asking questions. I lie and tell them it will all be ok. No one is going to get hurt. The police will get him. I buy them slushies as a distraction. I take plates from the club buffet and give Caroline a pen so we can play tic tac toe as a distraction. Darby watches baseball on tv. Ross and I have a cryptic conversation that we try to keep over their heads. They hear other chatter. They are scared. I pray a rosary. I know we are safe where we are but I don’t like feeling trapped. Like it isn’t safe for us to go to our car and go home. I hate that my children are feeling this fear first hand. I want to protect them from this world. I pray with them.

After what felt like an hour but was likely only 30 minutes, Ross decides he is going to get the car. The rumors are that he has gone to Arkansas. That makes the kids more nervous but it makes me and Ross feel like it is safe to leave. He never went to Arkansas but that is beside the point. Ross leaves and we watch from a window. He makes it outside and stops by the police and news cameras to get an update. He disappears down the street.

After what feels like 10 minutes, I see our car come back down the street and we go to find an exit. We wait as time crawls slower than normal, for the car to show up. We exit. We make it safely in the car. We are headed home. We make it safely home and all the tension of the night engulfs me. I can’t protect my family. I can’t protect myself. My grief swamps me. How has our city come to this? Women abducted on the street while running or shopping at Target. A young girl missing. Now a young man on a killing spree. How do we carry on in a fallen world?

As I am getting the kids settled in bed I receive a text that this tragedy hits even closer to home. The people he carjacked are from Marion. A woman and her daughter carjacked in a “safe” part of Memphis. She was killed right in front of her daughter. A daughter who has already lost a father. A daughter who worked for us briefly at our restaurant. A daughter like me. A daughter like my daughter.

How do you find rest in your weariness? How do we find joy in the sorrow? The Lord tells us, “For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.” He did this for Israel and He has done this for us in the crucifixion of Christ. As I told Caroline as we worriedly waited for her Daddy to return, “It will all be okay. We have the love of the Lord. He died on the cross so we could go to Heaven. So if we die we will be in Heaven with Jesus and Papa and Grandmama and the Big Boss and Mammy and Lucy. With all our family and friends. And some day even with those we leave behind.”

So we must continue to live our lives. To take our run (figuratively as I do not run). To go to the game. To not fear our drive to work or trip to Target. Our hope is in the Lord so there should not be fear of death. Not for ourselves, not for our loved ones, not for strangers who lose their lives. So we take back our lives free of fear for we have the full armor of God. Liza had it, I have it, and you can have it too. We can mourn and grieve but we mustn’t dwell on the the sadness and loss but on our eternal hope in Jesus.